I Think My Dentist Has a Brain Tumor

OK, I’m gonna tell you something about myself that I’m a little bit vain about. I have great teeth. The only thing I’ve ever had done is a clear retainer for 3 months when I was about 11. I have 2 cavities total…ever. My dentists have always said that only about 10% of people have teeth like mine. Here is a pictures of my teeth:

Just Kidding!!!

These are my real teeth:


                          This is how much I love you guys.                                            It doesn’t get much more intimate than this.

Anyway, back to the point of my post. I like going to the dentist.

I KNOW! You hate me now. But hear me out. I never went to the dentist as a kid. Except when my bottom tooth started to come in funny and I needed that retainer. It was not till I was in my 20s that I started to go. So I avoided all that scary “Boogyman Dentist with his drills” stuff that most kids experience. Plus, when I did go my dentist was all gushing about how great my teeth were. So I was like, “What’s all the fuss!?”

This brings me back to my dentist. I went to see him yesterday and I think he is either going crazy or has a brain tumor.

No, not this kind of crazy. Thank you lord Jesus!

Let me explain myself. My dentist is a nice older dude. He’s a little conservative and he likes to talk to me about my students and how kids are getting worse every year and how he admires that I teach. *Just wanna put out there that I DON’T think kids are getting worse every year. I do think some people are becoming more selfish parents causing their kids to emotionally raise themselves. But, kids. . . naw man. They are just as full of beauty and love as they ever were.* Anyway, my dentist has always been somewhat harmless.

However, yesterday he left me sitting there with my jaw on the floor!

First of all he looks thinner. I think he’s lost some weight. I noticed that when he walked by my door just as I was about to get my teeth cleaned. Before I could even say hello though he said (I know, it’s a totally worn out comment), “Hey were you in an accident? Your jeans have holes in them.” I laughed kindly and said, “I know! Luckily that was the only damage I received and was able to make my appointment on time.” We both laughed and he left but AS he walked out he said, “It’s sexy though.”

What? My dentist just said. . . what? OK, whatever. The dental hygienist laughed it off so. . . I did too. In the grand scheme of things who cares. After my teeth are cleaned the dentist came back he looked at my teeth and he started to talk and I noticed he slurred a couple of his words. Plus, he talked about fun stuff like these Bollywood movies he had been watching. He remembered that I acted and he asked me to invite him to my next show. I was flattered and said yes.

This is me flattered. “Yes Mr. Dentist.”

He then told me how great my teeth were, yet again (Yeah, I know. I did not deny that I was vain about them). FINALLY as he left he said, “Don’t forget to invite me to a show. Especially if you’re naked in it.” Then he left. . . . . . . . . . . . . .fucking . . . .fucking . . . . .What the fuck?!  What? . . . .I can’t. . . .

I left and on the car ride home I decided he had a brain tumor. Gary says he was drunk.

Yeah, maybe he was drunk.

But, and I know how this is gonna sound, I am a lot more comfortable with the brain tumor idea.

This used to be my dentist. (Not really but he sort of looks like him)


When I close my eyes this is how I see my dentist now.



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9 responses to “I Think My Dentist Has a Brain Tumor”

  1. essbee14 says :

    That is so bizarre (and creepy)! I wonder if when your dentist closes his eyes, he sees himself as that second picture as well…).

  2. kmaublog says :

    He is one creepy dentist 😉 http://www.kelly-mau.com

  3. Randeep Singh Jalli says :

    😦 you shouldn’t have to go through that just going to the dentists office……. That’s SOOO unfair and bullshit. I think adults get worse every year. This guy just proved it.

  4. SpookyJill says :

    That is super-creepy and I am weirded out on your behalf.

    (The strangest medical-related experience I ever had was googling my eye doc and discovering he does naked yoga — and there are photos. But he’s always professional and extremely cool when he’s at work, and I adore him, and he managed to get me into contact lenses back when I was totally squicked out about eye stuff, so he’s awesome. If he wants to be stretchy and naked on the internet in his own time, more power to him.)

    Dentists, on the other hand, are Satan-spawn. I had a phobia that kept me away from the dentist for twenty years, and when I finally willed myself back into the chair, the dentist I saw made my teeth worse. My teeth are strong, at least, but I envy your naturally straight teeth!!

  5. christenap says :

    Is that considered sexual harassment?

    • polly6119 says :

      I’m not sure. I mean I can always find another dentist. I’m not trapped in a situation I can’t get out of. If anything, his lechery is just losing him patients. 😛

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