My Theory on Fart Matter!
When I was 12 years old I came up with a theory on farts. I was very happy with my theory and for years I told any other kid I came across about it. I felt like I was in that movie Quest for Fire and I held a truth that was important to our survival as a species.
(side note) Quest for Fire was one of the absolute best movies of all time!! If you have not seen it you need to Netflix that shit! I am going to tonight. Of course I haven’t seen it in 15 years so. . . I thought the same thing about Salem’s Lot. When I watched that recently I slapped my childhood self and called her a pussy!
Back to my topic.
Here is my theory on farts (and this is how I told all the unenlightened souls who would listen):
I would start off by throwing a little science in their lap. “OK, so you know how there are like three phases of matter right; liquid, solid, and gas. So, what is a fart?”
They would usually respond with, “Gas”
“Right!” This is when I would get really close to their face and whisper a little bit. “So if matter only comes in solid, liquid, and gas what are farts a gas of?”
That’s when I would see the wheels starting to turn in their heads. They would probably say, “Shit?”
At which point I pulled out my home run hit! “So, if farts are shit in gas form! Whenever you smell a fart you are forcing someone else’s shit. . . up your nose!!!!
This was when all hell broke loose! Especially in the years 12 through 14. Lots of running around screaming “OH GROSS” and “OH NO YOU DIDNT!” basic early teenage unnecessary drama.
I hung on to this theory for quite a while. Then I became older and gained more intelligent friends. One of which informed me of the true nature of farts:
I.E. “Over 99% of the volume of flatus is composed of non-smelly gases. These include oxygen, nitrogen, carbon dioxide, hydrogen and methane. Nitrogen is not produced in the gut, but a component of environmental air.” Wikipedia Bitches!!
So my reign as the carrier of the fart truth came to an end.